Evil Coffee 8: Letter to the Makers
Note: Pretend Evil Coffee 7 never
happened, kay? ^^;
The Gundam Pilots minus Duo were assembled once again in the
drawing room of the Winner Mansion. "We seriously need to
put a stop to this." Quatre said, stating the obvious.
"Tell me again, why we simply can't kill him!" Wufei
growled. "That'd be cold-blooded murder!" the blonde
exclaimed. "No it wouldn't." Heero stated monotonely.
Trowa sighed.
One of the servents came in holding a vaguely familiar metal
canister, "Zees was found een zee trash can, sir." he
said, holding out the can to Quatre. The arab took the can,
somewhat confused, and examined it. He scanned the labels, and
his eyes widened. "This is a used canister of Evil
Coffee!" he exclaimed, "Thanks Frances!" The
servent nodded, bowed and left the room.
"So what? Burn the thing." Wufei snorted. "No, no,
look, it has the address and stuff for the company who makes the
stuff!" Quatre explained. Wufei raised an eyebrow.
"So,...what are you suggesting, do we go blow up the
company?" Trowa shook his head. "Of course not, we'll
never get to do anything like that as long as Quatre's
around." The blonde shot his friend a look.
"Then what are you suggesting we do?" Heero asked.
"We can write them a letter, maybe they're not aware of what
their coffee does." Quatre answered. "Not aware!? Are
you that stupid, Winner? They have warning labels on the thing!
Look! It's even worse than it ever was!" Wufei snatched the
canister from Quatre. He read the labeling aloud; "Warning:
Drinker beware, this coffee will render you completely insane for
a matter of hours." "That's sure as hell true."
Trowa muttered.
"I still we write them a letter, maybe we can ask them to
stop producing the product." Quatre suggested. "Uh-huh,
sure." Trowa said, "Like they gonna listen to us."
"Hey! We're war heros! They have to listen!" the blonde
argued. Heero blinked; "Wheren't you the one who said never
to use that to your advantage?" he asked. Quatre flushed,
"Well this is important!" "Alright fine, but it's
not going to work." Wufei growled.
--------------------
Subject: Evil Coffee
To: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni,
RI, 11331, USA
From: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU
Makers of Evil Coffee:
A close friend of mine has been addicted to your product, Evil
Coffee, for quite some time now. We do not believe continuing to
sell this product is safe for our friend, or the community. We
have had one too many adventures that landed in disaster because
of your product. Evil Coffee is a threat to the sanity of the
universe, we hope you understand that.
Yes, you did give fair warning on the packaging. But the average
person does not realize the dangers of this coffee. In addition
to that, my friend has a serious problem, the coffee seems to
have a permenant affect on him. He continously tries to make us
fall victim to your strange drink. This has caused many problems
for our colony. You may have heard about some of these incidents.
Vice Forgien Minister Dorlan is a very important part of our
life, she helps maintain the peace between colonies and Earth.
But, as a result of the coffee, she has been landed in an ayslum
for a few months. (Refer to Evil Coffee: Valentine's Special)
This is not right. Another time, he poisoned a party of important
war-heros. This was a disaster and caused over 5 million in
damage.
If you continue to make this product the madness will not stop.
Please listen to our plees and at least consider. The santy of
the universe lays in your decision. If you do not stop, there are
chances your company is in danger from my quite violent friends.
Thank you for your time, and I hope you listen.
Sincerely,
Quatre Raberba Winner
--------------------
Quatre sent the letter on it's way. "Why didn't you use
email?" Trowa wondered. The blonde blinked. Wufei snorted;
"Blondes...weaklings..." Quatre sighed. He hoped it
would work...
A week past, during which, Duo got a whole school of children
insane by replacing the milk with coffee. That did not look good
in the news. Quatre became fusterated and considered sending
another letter. Duo was having the time of his life, plotting on
who to get next. Wufei, Heero, and Trowa came up with a list of
1001 ways to kill Duo. The blonde arab waited each day for the
mail. Then, it came. The letter came with a large package.
--------------------
Subject: Re: Evil Coffee
To: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU
From: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd.
Enasni, RI, 11331, USA
Mr. Winner:
Thank you for your letter. You have won a free can of Lemonade
Flavored Evil Coffee for being the 1st person sane enough to
contact us! We have no intension of stopping production of our
number one selling product on the black market. The coffee is a
perfect weapon, your friend is a very smart person. Miss Relena's
incident was very humorous to the staff and we hope your friend
does something like that again.
We understand that the sane people of the world will have a
problem with this, but we of The Evil Coffee Co. have solemly
sworn that we will take over the world with the Evil Coffee
Craze. We have gotten much support from fellow psychopaths. Our
leading customer so far is one Duo Maxwell. If you a sane person
Mr. Winner you should be smart and leave us alone. You will only
go insane. Thank you for you time and enjoy your coffee!
Crazily,
Nekkyou Kouhii, President of The Evil Coffee Co.
--------------------
Quatre stared at the letter in disbelief. They're out to take
over the world?! This Evil Coffee Company was indeed another
threat to the peace they had worked so hard for. But what could
they do? Duo was their leading customer? What was he thinking?
Was he aware that me was helping an evil organization in it's
plans for world domination. A evil, psychotic organization at
that?
The company was run by a group of crazy people! What fool wad
funding this company?! The blonde called Heero. The Perfect
Solider's face appeared on the VisaCommunicator. "What do
you want Quatre?" he asked. "Heero, I need you to hack
up as much information about The Evil Coffee Co. now!" he
commanded. "Why?" the other wondered. "Just do
it!" the blonde screamed. "Alright, alright,
fine." Heero agreed, surprised at Quatre's behavior.
Quatre sat at his desk, sweat poured from his brow. This was
serious. What could they do? Maybe Wufei and the others could
just blow up the ECHO and be done with it. The arab sat there
thinking for the better of an hour when the phone rang. Heero's
face once again appeared.
"Goddamnit, these people know how to set up security! It
took me almost the whole hour to break in! Then after that the
whole thing was coded. I managed to break the codes, but what I
got still doesn't really make sense." Heero said. Quatre
blinked, "What do you mean?" His old ally sighed,
"I can decode anything, but not riddles. Here, it says:
'Only the insane can solve this, you the sane, are stupid, Coffee
are for the psychs, idiots, and bikes! Heehee!' "
Quatre blinked; "Ooooookay.....I don't get it."
"Neither do I, but it can be just a false...thing." the
other said. "What else did you find?" Heero glanced at
something; "Well, that's all for now, I'll have to dig
further to find more." "Do it, just try to hurry."
Heero nodded and the screen went black.
"Nothing!" Heero cried irritablely, "There is
absolutely NOTHING on here! They just put up a database to taunt
me! TAUNT ME! I HATE THEM!!" Everyone in the room
sweatdropped. "Calm down, Heero." Quatre muttered.
"Why can't we just ask Duo?" Trowa wondered. "ARE
YOU INSANE!??!" Wufei demanded. "WE DO NOT ASK MAXWELL
FOR HELP! IT IS WEAK!!" he screamed. Once again, everyone
sweatdropped.
"I'm going to write another letter." Quatre announced.
------------------------
Subject: Re: Re: Evil Coffee
To: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni,
RI, 11331, USA
From: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU
Nekkyou Kouhii,
You are insane, continuation of your plans is futile and stupid.
There is no point in it, it is impossible to controll the world
this way. No one is stupid enough to follow the insane.
Sincerely,
Quatre R. Winner
---------------------------
Short, sweet, and simple. Their reply?
---------------------------
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Evil Coffee
To: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU
From: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd.
Enasni, RI, 11331, USA
Mr.Winner,
Don't make me sick my goat on you. It is rather simple to take
over the world with coffee. It becomes addictive you see, and all
those addicted will be under our control and get others addicted.
One only needs to consume our wonderful product 3 times to become
our slave, muwahahahaahah!!!! Ahem. So give up now, mister sane
man. Goodbye.
Leave me alone,
Nekkyou Kouhii, President of The Evil Coffee Co.
-------------------------------
Quatre glared at the letter angrilly. A servent walked into the
room, "Sir, Mister Maxwell has set the garden on
fire,..again." Quatre sighed; "Take the goat outside,
that usually calms him down." the rich guy then turned back
to write another letter.
-------------------------------
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil Coffee
To: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni,
RI, 11331, USA
From: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU
Nekkyou Kouhii,
This is stupid. Why do you want to take over the world anyway?
Peace is a good thing, everyone is happy this way.
Quatre R. Winner
--------------------------------
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil Coffee
To: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU
From: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd.
Enasni, RI, 11331, USA
Mr.Winner,
You are starting to tire me. Peace is not good, there is no such
thing as 'peace'. No matter how many nations are brought
together, there will always be unhumane slaughter of goats. So we
shall take over the world to save thy goats! SAVE THE GOATS!!
Hehehehehehehe. Do not send me another letter, please. My goat is
allergic to your scent.
Nekkyou Kouhii, President of The Evil Coffee Co.
-----------------------------------
Goats?! What's with these goats!? Quatre boiled angrilly and
scribbled another response.
-----------------------------------
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil
Coffee
To: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni,
RI, 11331, USA
From: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU
Nekkyou Kouhii,
What's with the goats?! Who cares about the goats!? The human
race is more important than any ol' goat!
Quatre R. Winner
-------------------------------------
"Sir, Mister Maxwell has released all the goats on the
colony and they are running the length of the hall." the
servent poked his head in again. Quatre blinked; "Um...shoot
them or something...goddamnit..."
------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil
Coffee
To: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU
From: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd.
Enasni, RI, 11331, USA
Mr.Winner,
You didn't take me seriously did you!? Did you!? Goddamnit!
Didn't yo' momma ever tell you not to mess with the crazies?!
Huh!? Fool! How you shall see the true power of our Insanity!
Muwahahahahah!! Turn on you tellie! Hehehehehe
Nekkyou Kouhii, President of The Evil Coffee Co.
--------------------------------------
Quatre switched on his television in confusion. "--and no
one seems to know why, but today, all the ... goats ....on Earth
and the colonies have been somehow released and are now running
amock everywhere. Goats in the garden, goats eatting things,
goats in the office, goats everywhere! Scientists are unsure of
why these--" The blonde switched off the TV and ran outside
of his office. "I THINK I'M GOING INSANE!!! YEAH THAT'S IT!
I'M INNNSAAAANNNEEEE!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!"
© Kiriska