Chapter 42 : Lost, Not Found

Yamato

I didn't know why I was here. I didn't know much of anything these days except my sole reason for existence. Revenge. That was all I knew. Everything else I did was beyond me. My day to day activities, I don't even remember half of them. I couldn't tell you where I was last week, where I'd been staying. I don't remember, and frankly I don't really care.

I needed to locate Aymichi, I needed to kill him. Because after I did, then I can die. Because I'm just sick of living. I don't care what people thought about suicide, that it was a cowardly way out or whatever the hell they want to explain it as. After I killed him, what would become of me anyway? Life at the psycho ward? Prison? Death was not much different than eternal confinement. It was the same, Hell is a place of eternal confinement as well after all, wasn't it? So suicide here can't really be considered an exit...it was just bringing myself to my fate faster. I'd be doing those executioners a favor. It was self-punishment was what it was, for letting him get Takeru, for letting him get to me, for letting myself turn into a killer as well. Dawdling in this living realm cannot be considered righteous.

I didn't know why I had wandered here today. But I've already said that. And I'm tired of thinking the same things over and over again. Its tedious and old and I'm sick of it. I'm nothing original, I'm just another loser that's been eaten alive by useless ideas of vengeance and hate. I had nothing to gain from this visit besides anger. And plus if I was caught here, it'd ruin everything. Yet I came, in broad daylight, for no reason that I could understand.

Did I hope to catch a glimpse of my friends? Make sure they were still alive or something? No idea. Its been days, weeks, months, who knew anymore? Time was an illusion created to keep track of events. But I had no events to log, days pass without change. I trudged through the fallen leaves, glancing every once in a while through the windows. Did they even still go to school? Or had their parents all locked them up inside their homes? How long did they intend to lock them up anyway? Until Aymichi was caught? Killed? The thought amused me a bit. The idea that Koushirou would not get into some highly respected and exclusive college because he never finished high school because there had been a nutcase on the loose.

I heard a bell ring somewhere. It seemed so long ago since I'd been here. Been in school. Been in a place that was somewhat normal. The building seemed faraway and foreign. I didn't belong here. Not anymore. I wondered if my existence still lingered in the minds of the people I had known. It had not really been as long as it felt, right? My band, what did they think of me? I had ruined their reputations and their careers with my selfish and idiotically pointless need to destroy Aymichi. My fans, hahaha...those psychotic fangirls, they had worshipped the air I breathed and the dirt that I walked on, what did they think of me? My teachers? Always bitching at my short attention span. What did they think now? Aymichi definitely had my attention. My counselors? Haha...I had never been a real mental case, not really...now? I hid myself among the large oak trees in the courtyard as students came outside to enjoy their lunches. I didn't feel like leaving yet. Stupid.

I saw Tai come out of the school. I should have left then. I should have left, but still I hesitated and watched from the trees. He came in my direction, but did not seem to notice me. He looked frustrated and worried as he paused in front of a tree. Kicking it, he caused snowflakes of orange and gold to fall from the almost-naked branches. The Keeper of Courage stiffened suddenly, and looked around. I should have just left. But I didn't. Instead I walked forward, my footsteps crunching in the dead leaves. He turned again and saw me. I stopped a few meters away from him. "Hey, Taichi." I said, I didn't recognize my own voice. I don't remember the last time I had spoken out loud. When you think, you 'hear' your own words, but do you 'hear' the voice that speaks them?

Tai looked more or less healthy, I could not see if he still had bandages on his arm as his jacket would probably be covering them. His hair was a ruffled mess as usual, his goggles strangely absent though. Too much trouble to put on in the morning? Reminding you of the days of the Digidestined? I don't even remember them anymore. Devimon, Myotismon, they were fading away. The fantasy-like digital world of monsters. Gabumon. My family, my friends, the life I had led, the memories of more pleasant times, the good ol' days. Relinquished. I refused to regret it.

The fearless leader was just staring at me, his face a mixture of surprise, worry, regret, pity; so readable. "Yama...are you doing ok?" I stifled the impulse to laugh harshly, keeping my apathetic outlook. Should I address this question seriously? What did he expect me to say? 'Oh, I'm handy-dandy, Tai! The hobos are real nice once you get to know them! Willing to share their beans and mice-guts! My neighbor at the city dump gave me a whole can of seeds just the other day! Now I can sow my own garden!' I mentally rolled by eyes, I might have replied like such, but my voice didn't feel like changing from icy to sarcastic. Too much effort, and suddenly I felt tired.

"I'm alive aren't I?" was my decided reply. Indeed, what did 'doing ok' mean? That was getting enough food and shelter? That I was emotionally stable? That I was not physically wounded? The only thing that mattered to me was staying alive and free long enough to get revenge. My sole purpose for existence...So yes, I supposed I was 'doing ok' as long as I was alive and had enough energy to fight if I finally found him. Tai sighed. "Look,...Matt." he paused, looking quite uneasy. I raised an eyebrow slightly.

"Sora's dead." the words slipped from his lips and hung in the chilled autumn air. Sora's dead. Another old friend. TK, Mimi, Joe, and Sora. Half of us. Four of eight. I felt myself draw a sharp breath of air and stare at Tai. Weeks go by without change, but now, here was some news for the calender: Aymichi had gotten Sora too.

So what? A voice piped up inside of me. You had already thrown her away before he killed her. You had thrown everything away by choosing to go after him. Even if she had lived then what? It wasn't as if you could ever really be her friend again. You threatened to kill her yourself didn't you? I had. I had thrown my knife at her feet and snarled at her to leave. So what did it matter now? What did it matter that she was indeed dead? But she didn't deserve it...she had done nothing to that blood-thirsty bastard...So only when someone has done something to irk you did they deserve death? Who died and made you God? You can kill with little or no reason but he can't? The voice laughed.

I was the same as Aymichi. Why did that upset me? I already knew. I had already admitted it to myself. Sora's dead. I remembered my mother's choked voice on the phone when she called us from the hospital. Her horrible sob and desperate wail. Takeru's dead. Flashes and words echoed through my mind and I started to sweat. Mimi's dead. But you tired to kill her yourself. Flared with that nasty temper of yours, the voice giggled. You had decided that she had not deserved to live because you were arrogant and selfish enough to think that she should be out searching for you. What made you so special? You had never been a particularly kind friend to anyone have you? That's not true...My thoughts seemed desperate somehow. Oh isn't it? The voice wondered, when you have ever lived up to your Crest of Friendship, little Yammy? Never...I was a jerk. My point exactly.

"Matt?" Tai asked uncertainly. But my mind wasn't on him anymore. What did these thoughts have to do with anything? Sora's dead. SO FRIKKIN' WHAT!? How does that change anything?! Your sole purpose in life is to kill him, rip him apart, punish him for what he's done! What does it matter anymore how many of your old friends died? You're never going to see them again anyway! And they'll never see you in the same light after what you've done. You've stained your hands with blood and now you'll just have to carry that with you to the grave! You're a disgusting, angry, and vengeful child and you're probably never going to succeed in your idiotic and foolish ambitions. You probably threw your life away for nothing, so what if Sora's dead? What could you have done!? What more can you do now besides carrying out the task you've given yourself? Which, by the way, can't be done dawdling here in the schoolyard chitchatting with dear ol' Tai!

"Yama, are you ok!?" I glared at him, a hurricane of voices came down at me, screaming about my idiocy and lack of sense. The noise was overbearing and I couldn't take it; so to silence them, I screamed myself. "No, I'm not fucking ok!" I snarled. Needless to say, Tai was surprised and jumped back. I felt as if I no longer had possession of my body and that I was just a prisoner in my own mind watching, helpless to do anything.

I was confused and angry, yet at the same time I understood everything that the voices screamed at me. I knew what they were saying was true. I could see everything from the way they saw it because every single one of those voices was me. A billion thoughts bubbling inside my one mind, each one coming from myself and directed to myself. I understood everything, I understood that they were all me, but at the same time I felt overwhelmed my them, by myself, by all the thousand shades of fury I was feeling. It didn't seem possible that so much emotion could fit inside one mind. It didn't seem possible...my head hurt and my vision was blurring. I thought I was losing my balance but I couldn't be entirely sure and my whole mind just, just...just...oh, hell, it just fucking screamed at me and I couldn't take it.

"You let her die!" I screeched, my voice ringing through the trees. I did not bother to think what would happen if someone recognized my famed voice that had sung so many songs. "You think sitting back was safe! You thought those idiotic police could actually protect you from that bastard! Look what's happened now!" I didn't think about what I said, wasn't sure I even heard myself right. There were just too many other voices that were trying to make themselves known. The actual sound of my voice was so far away. My temples throbbed. "You let her die, Tai!" My finger was pointing accusingly at him, through I didn't recall signaling the movement.

He stared at me in utter disbelief. Of all the things you expected you didn't expect this did you? You knew me so well, once upon a time. Yes, such a long time ago two, three, four months has it been? I don't remember. "I-It wasn't my fault!" he stuttered, his eyes wide with the accusation. A part of me felt some twisted pleasure in seeing him so uncomfortable, so tortured by my words. Twisted, morbid pleasure. "Wasn't your fault!? You wanted to be leader so bad! Look at us now! What has your group become!? How can you think we haven't suffered?!" I screamed at him, the blood rushing to my head, feeding the voices that were chanting in my mind while I accused my best friend. Words were pouring out of my mouth before I could stop them, I felt possessed, like something else was controlling me.

"Who said we haven't suffered!? You think you're the only one hurt because you've lost your brother!?" Taichi reeled back, his own temper flaring. His hurt and confusion quickly replaced by rage and fury. Bring it on. "Maybe I do! You can never understand what I'm going through! You've never lost anything!" I think his brown eyes glared red at that, I don't know, maybe I was seeing things. Tai's voice boomed through the golden trees, scaring birds from them and shaking leaves free from their perches. "I HAVEN'T LOST ANYTHING?!" I vaguely acknowledged that a few students looked up in the distance, we were quite a ways from the rest of them.

"I haven't lost anything!?" he repeated in quiet anguish. He looked like he was straining himself, like he wanted to punch me, like those old days... "Maybe I've lost more than you fucking think. Not only did I lose your brother, Mimi, Joe, and Sora...I lost YOU...Look at you!" My heart was in my throat, shrieking with the rest of me, "What!? What!? You think you're so much better because you still have a place to call home?! How much longer Tai?! How much longer can you pretend that you're safe?! How much longer can you deny that everything you've done is useless?!" People were approaching us now, including two policemen that had been in the school. But I didn't care. My burning hatred for Aymichi had not left, but for the moment I didn't care if I was recaptured, the words of my friend burned through me and smashed through unlike anything the voices could have ever hoped to achieve.

"Everything I've done is useless!? What have you done to help anything?! You've only made matters worse!" His face was red, his fists clenched, steam seemed to be rising from his ears and if I had had it in me to laugh I would have. But laughing was the last thing on my mind. Taichi continued to rave, not seeming to have noticed the pair of authority that were quickly approaching. "What do you think?! That you're cool for running off and trying to kill Aymichi?! What do you think you're going to achieve besides getting yourself killed?! You're only hurting more people, Yamato! I haven't done anything to help?! Well at least I'm not making things worse! Everyone's fucking worried about you! At least I'm not playing right into the dirty hands of that murderer!" I socked him as hard as I could in the stomach.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" I screeched, furious. The voices laughed, agreeing with Tai. Stupid, foolish Yammy! He's right you know! You've played right into Aymichi's hands, you've done nothing to help the matter and you know it! Tai let out a cry of pain, then immediately balled his hand into a fist and sent it hard into my jawbone, throwing me sideways. I let out a strangled cry of maddened, hysterical anger. "You two! Stop right there!" The police were nearing and had drawn their guns. Well, run, you dumbass! The voices yelled at me, exasperated. I had grabbed Tai's shirt without realizing it and was shaking him. Glaring quickly at the police, then back at Taichi, my brain pulsed with thoughts and decisions to be made.

"You'll never understand, Taichi...you'll never understand until Hikari is dead..." I hissed, my voice sinister, I roughly released my hold on his shirt, throwing him backwards into a tree, then sprinted. The adrenaline surged through my veins and sweat pouring down my face as my footsteps pounded off the grass and onto the hard cement. "Stop right there!" voices yelled from behind, I heard the clicks of guns being cocked and safeties being removed. I heard their footsteps echoing mine. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. That fucking bastard. I hate them all! He'll understand, I'll make him understand! Then he could no longer look at me with that stupid expression of pity and worry and hope. I hated that face, I hated him. I had called him my best friend once?! The jittering voices cackled insanely.

"Stop! I'm warning you, Ishida!" More shouts, footsteps louder. I quickened my speed, my heart thundering in my chest, beating so rapidly I was sure it would explode. Hair and sweat blocked my vision as I sprinted down the alleyways, looking for a means of escape. Bloody fuck, how could I have been so stupid!? Why had I gone to school?! There had been absolutely no fucking point in that and I knew it! You wanted to see if they were alright. No I didn't! I don't care about them! They aren't my friends anymore! Nothing can ever be my friend anymore! I screamed mentally at it. Lonely are we? It replied. We bickered as I ran, knocking over trash bins, dodging into alleys and turning on a dime, running to devil knows where.

Gunshots rang out, I heard them hit walls with a dull thud that rang out through the busy streets. I ran through people, pushing them over, knocking them down, kicking them out of the way. They screamed, backing out of the way as police thundered after me, careful to not shoot while I was in the company of civilians. No, no, no, not yet...not now. Stupid Yamato! Why had you gone!? I told you already, said you voice, you missed them, didn't you? No! No! No, I didn't fucking miss them! Never! That STUPID nagging voice! That wasn't me! It wasn't! I'm not that soft, I didn't need them! I didn't ever need them! I hadn't needed them then, I didn't need them now! Liar, it said quietly. "SHUT UP!" I screamed, my voice sounded through the streets loudly, but I didn't care. I ran as my feet have never carried me.

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© Kiriska