Chapter 40 : Let Live My Insomniac

Taichi

It was my fault. All. My. Fault. Sora is dead. And it's all my fault. I am such an idiot. A complete and total dumbass; what the HELL was a I thinking?! What ever happened to safety first!? Why did I let her go outside? Why? Why hadn't I listened to Kari? She hadn't wanted to go outside; she knew it was dangerous, why hadn't I listened to her? Now Sora was dead...all my fault, all my fault. How could I ever face her parents again? How could the people at school? How could I tell them that it was my fault Sora Takenouchi was dead? Gods...Sora is dead...why couldn't we have stayed inside? Why couldn't we have just played a board game or something? Go for a walk...why did we have to go for a walk? Why hadn't...why couldn't...why didn't we stay inside? Why?! It would have saved her...if we had simply stayed inside...she would still be alive...

Sora...Joe...Mimi...Takeru...they're all gone...how could this be? Right before the holidays too...right before Christmas...Thanksgiving...they're all gone; they're all dead. Why!? What reason did Aymichi have to want to slaughter us all? What the hell was going on in that twisted little head of his? What was driving him to kill all my friends...?! I didn't want to cry, but...it was impossible to stop these tears. My friends...my friends...the people I went on a journey with, the people I've gone through so much with...these people...my friends...they're all dying...they're all dying...going insane...crazy...why? The first death...it was like having a nail hammered into your chest...the second death...that hammer pounding on it more...the third...another whack...the fourth...the pain just kept building up, hurting...

I sat up on my bed and hugged my pillow to my chest, hiding my tears. I had to be strong...I had to be strong for Kari...my sister. I could only imagine how hard it was for her, she was younger, she had more imagination, my nightmares were nothing compared to her's. I had to be strong for her...she and Izzy were all I had left...the three of us...how could this be all that is left of our group? How? Yamato...he was still alive, yes...but for how much longer? He was roaming the streets looking for our friends' murderer; he was going to get himself killed for sure...and if not, if he did succeed...if he did kill Aymichi...what then? He'd be sent away, to prison, to another psycho ward...sent away. He could never come home.

Aymichi...you bastard...you fucking bastard! You're supposed to be dead...why aren't you dead? Your file says you're dead...so why aren't you?! Why are you alive and so intent on killing us all? Why?! My brain hurt with the constant pressure I was putting on it, ranting, thinking, wondering, hoping...it felt as if there was someone pounding stakes into my temples...god it hurt...and something was nagging at me, in the back of my head, something I couldn't figure out, but I didn't know what. I glanced at the digital clock on my nightstand. 12:03. Fuck, I needed to sleep. There was school tomorrow, can you believe it? School. Mom is demanding that Kari and I both have four bodyguards with us and wants to sue the police for failing to protect us on our walk.

I don't want to go to school...do they really believe I'd be able to concentrate? To work? To deal with all those people? I don't want to be interrogated, I don't want to be watched, I don't want to be followed by three guards all day! And I wanted to be with Kari, I didn't want her anywhere without me; I don't trust those fumbling police...not anymore...not after...Sora...they did jack shit to protect her, to help her...they didn't even catch Aymichi...and he couldn't have been that far off...he had to have been close by to shoot...her. The police were worthless...we were in this alone, with no one to protect us. Our parents could put up walls and bars...but were they enough? He had broken into Mimi's apartment, Joe's apartment...he had access to weapons...what else could he do?

I heard footsteps in the other room and furniture being moved about and bolted from my bed, scared half to death. Kari? The carpet was soft against my feet but brought no comfort as I quickly made my way to my sister's room. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I opened the door slowly, almost afraid that that sick killer was on the other side, afraid that he had gotten her...afraid that...Hikari stood in her room, alone, in her pale nightgown, staring out the window. "...Kari?" My voice was soft, quiet, but she leapt three feet into the air at the sound of it, terrified. She turned around to face me, eyes wide, bloodshot, with bags hanging under them from lack of sleep. No...she's changing too...don't let her change...don't take her away from me too...don't...don't take her away from her...I...I won't let you!

"Taichi..?" her voice quivered, still afraid, uncertain. I walked over to her, worried. What if she stopped trusting me? I had led us all outside...I had led Sora to her death...I had...It was my fault she was dead...how had I ever ended up leader of this lot...? No wonder Yama had opposed me so much...I was a horrible leader...horrible, stupid, idiotic...I led my friends to their doom...what if...what if I lead Kari to her death too? What if I... "Kari, Kari,...it's me...are you alright? What are you doing up?" She hugged me tightly, as if she couldn't believe that I was there; as if she couldn't believe that I was still alive, as if she still couldn't believe the others were dead. She said something, but it was muffled. I stroked her head and waited. Kari, Kari...don't leave me... don't relinquish control of this insanity...don't let it take you in...

"Oniichan...I can't...sleep. I keep seeing...them...dying." She sat down on the edge of her bed, covering her eyes. "Over and over again...TK...Mimi, Joe...Sora...getting killed...by Aymichi...and, and...Matt..." Nightmares, her nightmares were getting worse. They had plagued her from the very first night. When Takeru died, she couldn't sleep that night, woke up screaming. The next night, the night after...her nightmares...and now they're worse than ever. But, what could I do for her? What could I do for my little sister? Absolutely nothing. I was worthless...I couldn't protect her from her dreams. "Kari...don't think about that...don't think about it. Think about better things...think about before..." I sounded like I knew what I was talking about at least, I should take my own advice...I was awake too after all...sleep brought no comfort.

"I can't...I can't think of before...I...miss them." Tears formed in her sleepless eyes and started slowly down her cheek, there were not many, but that was only because most had already fallen. What am I suppose to do? What am I supposed to say? What could I do to make her feel better? Make myself feel better? What could I do? "Shhh..." I just started mumbling then, unsure of what to say, unsure of what to do. I hugged her again and rocked her like a small child. "Things will get better...things will get better...don't think about it...go to sleep." Several minutes past, though it seemed more like several hours, we stayed there in silence, trying to comfort each other. At one point I thought she had fallen asleep, but her eyes remained wide open, as if unable to close. It was really creepy.

My sister was becoming an insomniac...this was the fifth night in a row that she hadn't gotten sleep. Perhaps it has been longer, even, because I didn't stay up every night. It was true I hadn't been sleeping well either, but I was managing three or four hours a night, not nearly as bad as Kari. I was worried about her...she couldn't go on like this. In the mornings she'd drink three or four cups of coffee, it's crazy. It can't be good for her... My parents haven't said anything though, maybe they're still pretending that nothing is wrong... Kari, Kari, please go to sleep, go to sleep and have sweet dreams...stay away from your evil realm of demons and blood. Please...please go to sleep.

"Taichi...? Who will he go for next? Me? Izzy? ... You?" she looked up at me, afraid, hopeful, terrified, all at the same time. My battered brain searched for an answer, but there was no way I could know. Aymichi was halfway done with his goal...who would he choose next? The reasonable part of me pointed to Kari...my sister...she was the youngest left...she was probably the weakest left...she would probably be easiest to kill...she would...no! No! She was not going to die...she wasn't! I can't let her die...I can't let her die...he wasn't going to kill her...he wasn't going to...he wasn't...Kari, Kari, not Kari...not my baby sister...please no...I felt my own tears return, trickling down my cheek and chin and splashing on my sister's face. "Tai?"

"No...no one's going to die...no one else is going to die...I'm not going to die...Izzy isn't going to die...y-you're not going to die..." I managed, almost choking on my own voice. She didn't say anything, looking regretful for upsetting me...upsetting me...ha, that sounded os stupid. Kari snuggled against me as I leaned on the wall, it was comforting almost. She was here, she was close by...she was alive. And she would stay alive...Aymichi was not going to get her...Aymichi was not going to kill Kari... The hours past and I felt myself drifted off. I hoped my sister would fall asleep too, she needed it more than I...but every time drifted awake to see, I would face her wide-open eyes. She was not going to sleep.

~

I awoke in Kari's room alone. The sun poured through the bars of the window and pooled into the room. I jumped off of her bed abruptly, my brain instantly demanding to know where she had gone. I heard the clanking the glass in the kitchen and glanced quickly at the clock. 6:44. I groaned, remembering that I needed to go to school today. Monday. I hate Mondays. But I've already missed two, three weeks of school and my mother won't allow anymore...but damnit, don't I have an excuse!? Sora...Sora...I won't walk to school with you today...Sora...I won't eat lunch with you today...Sora...I won't play soccer with you in a few months...I don't spend Christmas with you...or New Year's, Sora... I'll visit you in the morgue this afternoon. The morgue.... the apartment for the dead... You're dead...dead...and it's my fault.

I slowly walked out of my sister's room and into the hallway, where the strong smell of coffee struck me. In the kitchen, Kari had just drained another mug of the substance down her throat. Her eyes red, and the bags under her eyes were darker; she didn't sleep at all last night. "Kari..." I stopped, not knowing what I wanted to say. She knew she needed to sleep; she probably wanted to sleep. But her nightmares would not let her; what was the use of me telling her that? These nightmares, this nightmare, this living hell. It was never going to end was it..? Even if,...even if Aymichi is caught, would it end? It was my fault Sora is dead...would that guilt ever go away? No. Would the wishing that this had never happened ever end? No. Would I stop missing them? No. This hellish dream would never end.

The doorbell rang. Neither of us moved. We weren't allowed the answer the door. Mom scurried down the hall, and opened the door a tiny notch without removing any of the twelve locks. The person outside said something, and she nodded and closed the door to remove all the locks. A few seconds later, she opened the door again and let in four policemen. "Good morning ma'am." one of them said, then rest of them turned to face my sister and me. I narrowed my eyes and left the room to brush my teeth and get dressed. These people were of no help. They could not protect us. They did not deserve to be trusted...they let Sora die...I led Sora to her doom...but they let her die. We were all the same. Worthless and unreliable.

The six of us walked down the street slowly, two patrol cars following us. This was ridiculous. It was attracting attention. Now Aymichi knew exactly where we were all the time, and if he could kill in front of them once...he could do it again. We were not safe in their hands. We weren't safe at all. Every person we passed stopped and looked at us, confused and wondering. None of them said anything, but they looked. I hated it. These people were all idiotic; they knew nothing, they were standing around, following us, 'escorting' us, but really, what did they do? Nothing. What could they do if Aymichi decided on another sniper attack? Nothing.

We stopped in front of Hikari's school. Kids were playing in the courtyard, blissfully unaware of the situation we were in. "Kari...be careful." She hugged me mumbling, "You'd better be here this afternoon." then ran off into the courtyard, two of the policemen followed her. I turned and glared at the remaining two, growled, and started walking again. I'd better be here this afternoon...what did she mean by that? That I'd better still be alive...that I'd better not be dead...? Probably. What could I guarantee her? I was not safe; she was not safe. Yet...I allowed this. I allowed my sister to go to school where I knew it was not safe. Why? I shouldn't, I shouldn't let her go...yet, I did. Why?

I trudged along to my school, I would die there. This is stupid. What made them think this was safe? These bodyguards? This was ridiculous...they had failed us once they would fail us again. I wanted to go home. No, I wanted to see Sora. I wanted to see TK, Mimi, Joe; I wanted to see them alive again. The school's courtyard was strangely empty, but the people there stared, watched whispered behind my back. Again, again, they've done this before, before Yama was trialed, after Mimi died, after Joe died. They've done this before...they do it now, they're all idiots! They whisper their little rumors, they speak of all these lies to juice up the story, they speak of the dead as if they were watching a movie...they're all idiots...they, they don't know anything.

Koushirou was already there, leaning against the tree we had always gathered by. He was alone. Who used to stand there with him? Sora...Mimi, and sometimes Joe...who was there now? Just me and him, just me and hum...but today...maybe not even me. I stopped by the gates, unable to move on further. Beside was the place Sora last breathed; beside me was the place one of my best friends died. The blood was no longer there; the smell of it no longer there, but the presence of something sordid lingered. Aymichi's laughter hung in the air. He was winning, and he knew it. Right after the...incident...there had been yellow tape all over this courtyard, crowds gathered all around it, wondering what was going on. Now the tape was gone, and people avoided it like plague. Sora had died here. Joe had died right in his own apartment. How could his family stand to still live there...? And Izzy...Mimi had died in his room...how could he sleep at night?

But from the looks of him; he didn't sleep at night, and hadn't for a long time. So what else was new? No one could sleep, no one could go to the bathroom alone without feeling as if there was a psychopath around the corner. No one could close their eyes without having the faces of the deceased haunt them. No one was safe... The bell rang and the few people that had been in the courtyard went inside. Izzy walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "C'mon." I continued to glare at the spot on the ground where Sora last stood, last lived. I didn't say anything, but I couldn't move. The bell rang again. I was frozen. My friend sighed and pushed me, forcing me to catch myself and walk.

My two policemen and his followed us down the halls to our lockers. More glances cast our way, more whispers when we turned around. This is so stupid. These people were so ignorant. They thought they knew what we were going through; they've seen on TV a thousand times, in movies, and books. They've read and heard about countless deaths; they thought they knew what was going on. They knew nothing...nothing! No words and describe these feelings, these thoughts, this hatred. Words are too tame for the rage and fury and disgust and hope and worry...

We we late to our first class, but it really didn't matter. I've missed weeks of school, a few more minutes wasn't going to make much of a difference. And I zoned out away. Who could concentrate on pre-cal? Who could concentrate on Japanese history? Physics? Izzy did alright; he was a genius though, he understood these numbers and words. I didn't, I never did, I wasn't going to start now. And I don't care about these things...I don't care about the revolution, I don't care about the square root of tangent 64. I cared about my sister, how was she doing? Where was she now? Was she still alive? Kari was alone in that school...what few friends she had all vanished with the second murder...she was alone.

Izzy was only in two of my classes, so I too was alone I suppose. But at least he was there sometime, Kari had no one. And she was younger, she needed support...she needed her friends not to be dead... I wanted to help her...god, I wanted to help her, but what could I do? During lunch I went outside. Koushirou was talking to our Chem teacher, trying to convince him not to fail me I think. I don't know, but I wanted to be outside for a bit. Which was stupid I guess. It was that wanting to go outside that killed Sora...if I hadn't let us go outside...she would still be alive...I let her die...and now...I was letting myself die...? Is that was it was? This wanting to be free of walls and bars and people? Was it a death wish? The fresh air was comforting in a strange way. I was glad the police did not follow me outside; they watched from the lunchroom.

Free...I was momentarily free...free... no, not really. I wasn't in the slightest bit free... I felt like going for a walk just then, but that would be like committing suicide... Going for a walk was asking Aymichi to snipe me...snipe me like he had Sora... The bell rang, telling us to go to class. Lunch was over already? No...not yet, I wasn't ready to face people again...I didn't want to be lecture by the teachers. I didn't want the touches of sympathy they hid behind their voice. I didn't want all those people to see me, talk about me. I didn't want to be here. Frustrated, I kicked a tree and was showered in the loose, golden leaves that had been hanging from its branches. As the last of the leaves fell, I felt the presence of another. It was creepy, like you knew someone was behind you, watching you, but you couldn't see them. I glanced back at the school, the police weren't paying attention to me, they were speaking to each other in some heated debate it seemed.

I turned around, eyes franticly searching for the owner of the eyes that bore down on me. Was it Aymichi? Was he here? Was I about to die? Was my choosing to come outside going to be the end of me too? The call of nature would be the end of me... Was this the end? Were these my last breaths? Were these my last thoughts? I heard footsteps rustle on the leaves that had recently fallen and turned again. Before me, half hidden by another golden tree, was a familiar yet unfamiliar figure. His face was dirty, his clothes were torn and smudged. His hair was tangled in a thousand knots, his eyes were slate yet shone with an eerie determination. He stepped forward, crunching on another leaf, his expression was blank and his voice stale. "Hey, Taichi."

Next Chapter

© Kiriska