Chapter 33 : Feeding My Nightmares

Hikari

Do you know what it's like to have people watching your every move? Having them whisper about you when they think your not listening? That's what's happening to me. In my head and all around me. The voices that reside in my skull chatter and quibble, the voices of my peers hiss and mumble. Yet no one spoke to me directly, not really, not to make real conversation. A teacher or two would say that they gave their sympathies, that they were sorry I had to go through all that trauma, that they were sure that the murderer had been caught. But that was all. None of my classmates would mutter a few piting words, though they were too wrapped up in their own thoughts for it to mean much.

After I while, I just decided I would ignore them all; I tried to play familiar and favorite songs in my head to block out the unwanted noises. So much easier said than done. The voices in my head were especially hard to filter out, they ranted and whined and wailed and cried. Each one called out another feeling I had tucked deep in the crevasses of my mind. Each one fed into the nightmare that I now lived. Why didn't Taichi tell me about Yamato's escape? Why did he tell all the others but not me? He didn't want you to worry. He wanted you to continue thinking that TK's brother was locked up.

Was that it, Onii-chan? It was wasn't it? Had I felt more secure knowing that Matt was behind bars? A little, I admit. He had after all...tried to kill Mimi. But it doesn't matter now does it? Mimi's dead anyway. Who else? Who else will die? Aymichi had tried to kill Tai too. And me. He tried to kill everyone. Was he behind bars? No, no, he wasn't, he was free. Loose in the streets of Odaiba. So did Yama's escape add to that lurking danger? Yes...I know the others still care for Matt...I know they think he could have sense talked into him. Perhaps they were right. But I don't think so. In my eyes Yamato Ishida is no longer the person that was my brother's best friend. He's no longer the person who had done so much for the Digiworld and this world. He's no longer the Keeper of the Crest of Friendship.

He's now this warped little demon. And I was afraid of him. What was stopping him from coming after us now? What was stopping him from coming after me? He would want to kill me wouldn't he? I had turned him in, I had gotten in his way. He would want revenge on me, just like he wanted revenge for TK...for TK. Was he still going after Aymichi? Was his vengence still so strong? Or had his motives changed now? Was he after me? Why shouldn't he be? Stupid voices...make them stop...make them stop talking about all the things I don't want to talk about....

Takeru...what did you do to make you deserve to die? Nothing. You didn't deserve to die...why were you taken away from me? Why were you taken away from us all? Why? Why are you after us, Aymichi? What did we ever do to you? What did we do? Ahhhh...I'm so sick of wondering why, I'm so sick of wishing everything was alright, I'm so sick of what's happening, I'm so sick of the fear, sick of the uncertainties, sick of it all...I sat alone at the lunch table, fiddling with my jello. It was red jello. I could see my reflection in it, the gelaton was like a mirror, blanketed in a mistifying bloodred. I lost my appetite.

School could not over soon enough. But when it finally did end...I almost wished that it hadn't, because with the end of school, the funeral did not seem long off. Koushirou had dropped me off at school this morning, but I would be walking home alone. I was glad to be out of the school building, ... however, I didn't want to return home just yet. I don't know why, I guess I wanted to enjoy my 'freedom' a bit more. If I had gone straight home, I would have been locked there until Mimi's funeral...

I didn't know where I was headed, I was just walking around...enjoying whatever was left of the fall weather. The streets were mildly crowded, a few people we already doing Christmas shopping in random small shops. Might sound stupid, but I was too busy enjoying the presence of other people and the fresh air to remember exactly what people were up to. The trees were already bare, save a few crinkley yellow leaves clinging on the uppermost limbs. The air was chilly, if you tried really hard, you could see a thin film of puffy vapers appear when you breathed out. That cloud of moisture would definately become more visable as winter set in.

Would I be alive then to see them? Thinking back on the subject of murders, I figured I should be getting home before my parents or Taichi got too worried. I sighed, and turned around, only to realize that I had wandered further than I had intended to. The streets around me were a bit unfamiliar. A sudden fear gripped me, I didn't know where I was? What if I couldn't find my way home? What if Aymichi found me now? Or Matt? Or just any ordinary, everyday punk? I felt utterly helpless and weak....I remember those days in the Digiworld, or even here in Odaiba...I had been more confident then. How pathetic, that I should be so fearful now. But then...I had Gatomon then, didn't I? And my worst fear would have been Myotismon...his lackies, the Dark Masters....but I had always been surrounded by my brother, his friends, their digimon, I had felt safe then. I had been safe then.

Now? Now I had better find my damn way home fast.....I went down the street I had just came from, suddenly everything had twisted to become dark and suspicious. The people on the streets all seemed to be wearing heavy coats and hats that concealed their faces. The shops' windows all seemed to have 'Out of Buisness' signs or otherwise empty and forbidding. Was what I was seeing real? Or was it all my imagination? How could I be sure? I spotted some creepy guy watching me and darted down an alleyway. That was stupid. The guy probably wasn't even watching me and now I would get even more lost!

Of course, I didn't think about that right away. Does everyone loose their ability to think when they're afraid? Or am I a one of a kind, super-paranoid weirdo? The latter I'm sure. Onii-chan would not have been afraid...he's Courage afterall...I ran down several backalleys, trying unsuccessfully not to panic. You should just ask for directions, stupid! A voice told me. But...who could I trust? Call home! Have some one pic you up! I'd get in trouble...I don't have any change anyway! Rrrr...I stopped my mindless running to look around. Where was I? I was even more lost than I was before!

What if I never get home? What if, what if? I froze at a tiny rustle in a nearby dumpster. What was that? A rat maybe? I inched towards the trash, I saw some cloth in it...not banana peels or whatever. As I drew near, I could make out clothes and...a hand? A foot? A ... person? What the hell, I peered over the edge of the dumpster and almost screamed. But fear and panic prevented that....inside the metal container....was Yamato.

He was in a black trench coat with random cuts in the sleeves, a bloodtstained white shirt beneathe that and tight black jeans. His face was dirty, smudged with dirt and blood. He had bruises and cuts all over his arms and his hair was a mangled mess. I was surprised I even recognized him...he was unconscious luckily...but what was I supposed to do? What would you do?! You should tell someone, one of the voices commanded, but another disagreed. I couldn't turn Yama in...again...he would hate me more...he'd...want to kill me more...wouldn't he? I couldn't tell anyone...but what can I do? Could I just leave him here? What if he was hurt really badly? He looked like he had been in a bad fight....who had he fought with? Some street punk? Aymichi?

I backed away a bit as Matt grumbled in his sleep, what if he woke up right now and saw me? I was dead for sure then. What...what was I supposed to do? I couldn't leave him here...what if he had deeper wounds hidden? What if he died? I couldn't let that happen...Taichi and the others would be devastated...Yama would be another added to the list of fallen Digidestined. Sure, he had tried to kill Mimi, and I was deathly afraid of him now...but I just...couldn't. I couldn't leave him...then what could I do? If I told anyone he would be back in that ayslum, and if he escaped again, I would surely be dead.

How 'bout you tell Tai? He'd know what to do right? A voice suggested. Maybe, but how would I even get to him now? I didn't know where I was, if I even made it home would I be able to make it back? Would Matt still be here then if I could? I don't know...I don't know...I leaned over the edge of the dumpster and looked at my brother's best friend again, he looked pale, as if he'd lost a lot of blood. The bloodstain on his shirt seemed pretty fresh, as did all his other lesser wounds. What could I do for him? I had no bandages or anything of the sort. And even if I did, I doubted I would have dared touch him. What if he woke right now...?

I jumped back at another of Yamato's subconscious movements. I needed to get home...I couldn't do anything for Matt right now...I couldn't...I ran, out of that alley and down the street. I couldn't do anything for TK's brother, and I needed to get home. Staying there wouldn't do anything. Could I just forget everything I had seen? I could try...forget I had seen Yama in the alley, forget seeing his condition, forget having seen anything. I ran for seven blocks before I saw anything familiar, and then without slowing I ran home. By the time I got to the steps of my apartment, my side was ready to explode and my legs around to give way. I put one of my hands against the brick wall and paused for a few minutes to catch my breath. I couldn't let my family know that I had been running...that I had been panicked...I couldn't let them suspect that I had seen what I had seen...especially Taichi.

But Taichi came to me. He came down the apartment stairs in quite a hurry, limping slightly. He spotted me immediately, grabbed and hugged me. "HIKARI! Where have you been?! Weren't you supposed to come home right after school!? We were all worried sick!" "I-I'm sorry...Tai..." I was flinchy, from seeing Yamato and from my brother's rush to see me, no doubt. "Where've you been!?" my brother demanded again. "I didn't want to come straight home...wanted to be free a little longer. I'm sorry..." "Oi, I guess I know how you feel...being locked up all weekend and all, but you should have told someone, mom and dad are gonna be furious." He sighed. I knew they would be...but how long had I been gone anyway? Surely not that long...

My parents were a bit angry, but they were too glad to see me to complain much. They asked where I went. I simply told them 'round town'. Taichi looked a bit suspicious, but that may be just me. Should I tell him about Yamato? Would it help? Was Yamato still unconscious now? Or was he awake? Had his wounds been serious? Was he alright right now? Did I want him to be? I was afraid of him wasn't I? Would I feel...safer if he were gone? Yes...no! How could I even say that? Matt was TK's brother...who was trying to avenge him...how can I fear him? But I did...I couldn't lie to myself, I was afraid of Yamato. Arggggg...I wanted Yama to live. But I wanted him normal again...without all his hatred and rage...

We got ready for the funeral. Taichi and my dad in their bext tuxedos, me and my mom in dress suits. Never in my life have I seen so many people at a funeral. But then again...this was only my second funeral...Takeru's was my first...Mimi looked as she had in life...which made it even harder for me when they started burying her. Burying her alive...to be beneathe the ground forever...afterward, even after Sora, Izzy and Joe left, Taichi and I went to see Takeru's grave. Our parents waited for us at the cemetary gate. Hope's gravestone was pathetic compared to Sincerity's precious marble. But it wasn't anyone's fault it was smaller. It didn't matter anyway...the words upon the stone were just as strong. We left a single white rose there before the grave.

That night was probably the worst one yet. I could see three things. Takeru's pale body in the hospital bed. Mimi being pinned to the wall by Yamato. And Aymichi looming over me. The events of the past month scroll through my head like a bad movie. Every scene was shadowy and dark, overdramatic and creepy. The more the images played though, the more twisted they became...Yama and Aymichi's faces stretched, they grew fangs and their eyes became bloodred. TK and Mimi sprouted wings...they flew away as the other two leapt after them...Knives flew around, stabbing people I know...Sora...Koushirou...Joe...Taichi...myself. I saw myself die several times...my blood spurting out and mixing with the others'.

In some deathscenes, my friends and I were decapitated. Our heads floated in a river on blood, our eyes frozen wide in infinate horror, blood seeping from our sockets. So much blood... My arms were removed, my fingers, individually. I could feel the pain of the knife cutting through my bones. The feeling of my blood pouring over my skin. I could hear the others' screams. I held Takeru's head in my arms. The muscles and veins in his neck hung loose, dripping fluids. His hair was mangled and sticky with the redness...his eyes were wide, eyeballs red...blood...everywhere. A knife petruded me as I held the head, I fell forward dropping it, then landed in a heap of blood on a black misty ground. Would we die like this?

A hand emerged from the semi-solid floor and grabbed Takeru's discarded head. The hand was old, bony, and wrinkled, the fingernails were 3 inches long and sharpened to a point. The hand gripped Hope's head tightly, piercing the skin, causing more blood to spill, one of the fingers poked out an already dead eye, squishing it in a most groutesque way. I heard myself scream in my dream, but my voice sounded faraway and distant. TK's head then exploded from the preassure exerted from the ancient hand. It's gory bits flew and landed on the others' and my body. I was viewing the scene from above now, no longer from my dead body. An arm rose from the obsidian fog, it was connected to the twisted, old hand. And a shoulder was attached to that arm, a head emerged, then the rest of a body.

The person's face was shadowed for a moment, then it's gaze was directed towards the 'me' floating above, watching. It was Aymichi, in some hideously mutated form. The cloth on his back ripped apart as twin, leather wings stretched from his shoulders. The wings were small at first, then they grew larger and larger, they swept forward and hid all of the Digidestined's corpses beneathe it. The demon smirked, then both wings were pulled back in a flash. The bodies and mutitlated parts were on fire. They burned quickly. I could smell my flesh burn, I could smell my hair burn, I could hear as little flakes on my skin tore from my muscle and were consumed by flames. I could see my friends' frozen faces as they burned, as their faces were turned to ashes. I watched for what seemed an eternity. I watched as all the bodies were cremeted.

When there was nothing left but random piles of dirty, black, ash, another person emerged from the monochormatic darkness. Yamato. He mirrored Aymichi in appearence, save his wings, which were feathered instead of leather. But they were still an inverse-ivorn hue. His azure eyes now bloodred, then grinned up at me, the me that was watching all of this, for my body was a pile of ash. He spread his demonic wings wide, then swept them forward quickly, causing all the ash to be piled together. Then, the both of them, Aymichi and Matt, each took a handful of the ash. And they ate them. Ate the remains of the dead, even licked their lips afterward. I screamed. I could hear myself clearly this time. I sat up in bed, my sheets, my pajamas, my hair, all drenched in sweat. Was that how we were to die?

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© Kiriska