Chapter 10 : Psychiatric Help

Yamato

I walked into the school yard. People. I sighed, I had always hated school. What normal high school kid wouldn't? Well, at least that was one thing that's normal about me. I spotted Taichi and Sora under the large tree in the corner, they waved. I didn't wave back, I felt unsure of myself. No confidence whatsoever.

My dad had scheduled an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist after school. I wasn't really looking forward to it, but I needed help didn't I? So they all throught I was insane. My parents, my friends, did I think I was insane? Well, I don't know. I killed some rats, I threatened my friends, I acted worse than I ever had to my parents. Did all that prove I was insane? What is sanity anyway? Being able to think straight? Being aware? I walked to my corner of the yard. I felt Tai and Sora's eyes on me, they were wondering why I hadn't joined them.

I guess I wanted to be alone. To think. Yeah, I need to think. I can think, I can still reason. Does that mean I'm not insane? Does an insane person know they're insane? If I was crazy, would I be thinking like this? Ok, Yamato, what do you feel? I feel confused. Why? I don't know if I'm sane. Look, I'm talking to myself, playing out my visit to the psychiatrist. How was it like to be a psychiatrist? They deal with people who have problems right? They talk to them. They sort out their feelings.

Did I really want to spill out all my feelings to a complete stranger who might already think I'm insane? Not really. Do I have a choice. No. Yes. I didn't have to do anything. I always had choices. I had promised I would. Promises were always broken. Did I break promises? Sometimes. How did you feel, Yamato, when Takeru died? I felt angry. Why? Takeru didn't deserve to die. Why? He was a good person. Crest of Hope.

The bell rang. Students piled into the building. Was I going to go to my classes today? I hadn't told my parents I had skipped both days of school after TK's death. So I didn't have an excuse. I could make one up. That was easy. But did I really want to go to class? Deal with people, teachers, and crazy fangirls? Not really.

Taichi paused at the entrance of the school and looked back at me. I faced him. His expression was stern, he motioned for me to come with him. I sighed. What do I want to do? Tai glared at me. I started towards the school. My friend smiled, I tried to smile back. But my face was stuck in a expressionless void. Guess faces do stick if you keep them there too long.

~

School was too slow. My teachers didn't buy my excuses without a note. My friends tried to stick up for me, but the teachers didn't give in. I had stuff to catch up on, and I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel angry like I usually did. I felt...I don't know how I felt. I just know I wasn't angry. That itself scared me. I was always angry when teachers bossed me around. Why wasn't I angry? I wanted to be angry. Anger was safe.

Fangirls kept trailing me. I guess my concert on Thursday caught a few more fans. Some of the guys even congraulated me on my new song. I guess that genre of music got a lot of people. At least I could still be annoyed at them. Taichi and the others tried to help me shoo them off. A lot of help that did.

My lunch was soggy and disgusting. My teachers were rude and bossy. My friends kept trying to talk to me. My day wasn't exactly great. But I didn't get angry. Why? I felt no confidence in myself for anything. Why? I was insane. Are you sure? No. Then why? I'm going to a psychiatrist. That means I'm insane, doesn't it? Maybe.

By then end of the day I was tired. Tired of the teachers, the fans, my friends, everything. And I still had to go to the psychiatrist. I was on my way to the exit of the building when I realized I had band rehersal. Damn. I made my way to the practice room and was met by the others.

"Yo Yamato! We thought you weren't gonna show!" My face was still expressionless. "Sorry guys, I can't stay for practice." I said. My voice was monotone. They frowned, then looked at each other. Did they think I was insane too? "It's ok, dude, don't stress youself." "Yeah, whatever's wrong....well, it's ok, we understand." I tried to smile. But again, my face was frozen. "Thanks guys." I turned and left.

~

The psychiatrist's office smelled too much like the hospital. The stink of clean and medicine. I walked up the secretary. She didn't look up from her computer. I cleared my throat. She glanced upward. Her glasses were ridulously large and red. Her hair was pulled back in a large bun, and her face was winkly. Just like in the TV shows. "May I help you, young man?" she asked. Her voice was stern and unfriendly. "I'm IshidaYamato,...I'm here for my 3:30 appointment with Dr.Aketo." I said. My monotone voice was scaring me.

The secretary, typed a few things on her computer, glanced at me again, then said; "Alright, Mr.Ishida...walk down that hall, 2nd door to the left." I nodded slightly and went on my way. I didn't like the fact that she had called me 'Mr.Ishida'. No one called me that. Mr.Ishida was always my father. Me, I was Yamato, or Matt. Not Mr.Ishida.

I found Dr.Aketo's room. On the door was a white label with the doctor's name. Below that was a ripped piece of paper with a smiley face on it. It had been hastily taped to the door. I shrugged and opened the door. Inside sat a red-haired woman in her 30's. She looked up from the clipboard she was holding. "Ishida Yamato?" I nodded.

The psychiatrist was a woman? In all the television shows there ever were, the psychiatrist that dealt with psycho people was always a guy. It made me uneasy. "Have a seat, please." she gestured to a comfy chair in front of her. I nervously sat down. A million thoughts crossed my mind. What if she finds out that I am crazy? Will they lock me up in an ayslum somewhere? I felt scared. My face sure as hell didn't say that. I was grateful for that.

Dr.Aketo was flipping through her clipboard, I sat there, fidgeting. The room was rather small, and was painted light blue. There was a large window behind the doctor, the carpet was a lavender-blue color. All the furniture in the room was a light blue, purple color. There were a few plants in the room, all in cerulean pots. I had read somewhere that the color blue calms people. That's probably why the room was made so. Hell with that, the swirl of purple and blue was giving me a headache. I was not used to the color. I liked reds, and greens, and black. Did that make me weird? I felt quesy suddenly. I wish the psychiatrist would hurry up.

She looked up from her clipboard again and looked at me. I gave her nothing, but my stern face. "How do you feel today?" she asked slowly. Damn, was she treating me like I was insane? Was she supposed to do that? Was I insane? Did she already know I was? Then what's the point of this? "Tired." I answered truthfully. Maybe if I answer her like a normal, sane person...

The doctor nodded slowly and scribbled something down. "And why is that, Yamato?" I stared at the ground. Now, I really felt uncomfortable. "Long day at school." I said simply. Dr.Aketo nodded again and wrote something else down. Damn, was everything I say going to be put down? "Do you do any extracurrcular activities?" What the hell does that have to do with anything? "Yes. I'm in a band."

"Ah, yes, and you had a big concert Thursday night, am I correct?" she stared at me with creepy hazel eyes. I blinked, why did she need my confrimation for that? There had been posters everywhere. "Yeah..." I answered, somewhat confused. Then I remember something. The new song I had sung. Damn, she's gonna use that against me, I just know it.

"And you had a new song, yes? What was it called?" she swept a hand through her red hair. Fuck. I hate being right at times like this. I could lie. No, she'd find out too easily. Fuck fuck fuck. "Hate." I said, I wanted my voice to sound annoyed, but it stayed in that monotone voice.

"Uh-huuhh..." she kept scibbling on that clipboard of hers. "And why did you write this song?" I felt angry now. Anger. I hadn't felt that all day. She probably had my whole file somewhere, and it probably told her I had been extremely angry immdeiately after Takeru's death. Why the hell even ask? "I was angry." I stated the obvious. But it seemed to please her.

"Who are you angry at?" Dr.Aketo asked. Anger was bubbling up inside me quickly. Was this visit made just to irritate me? "The murderer." I said. "The murderer?" the psychiatrist said, sounding amused, "The murderer of whom?" I was boiling on the inside, I was ready to jump up and strangle her. Was she doing this on purpose!? Surely she knew that Takeru had been murderered?! What the hell!? Didn't she know anything about me? Or why I'm here?? My brain was reeling. Does it matter!?

I was extremely surprised that the 'me' on the outside remained completely calm. "Takeru." my mouth said, I had almost done it involentarly. I am seriously freaking myself out. "And who is Takeru?" she asked, she leaned forward, her clipboard in her lap. She was no longer writing in it. I wouldn't be surprised if there was stem coming out of my ears. "Takeru is my younger brother." I said. I wanted to talk with an atitude, perhaps make her uneasy. But my voice wasn't letting me. Fuck.

Dr.Aketo nodded, "Do you know who the murderer is?" she asked. "No." "I see." You see what? "Did writing the song help your anger?" I blinked, did my song help my anger. Kinda. I felt nice to scream into the mircophone how I felt. I don't deny that. Well, now I know how all those heavy metal band people feel. "Yes." I said. "Are you going to write more?" Was I? I don't know. "Maybe" "Uh-huh..."

"When is Takeru's funeral?" she asked. Anger. You know don't you? You just want me to say it. "It was last Friday." I growled. I almost jumped at the sound of my voice. It had changed to normal so suddenly. Dr.Aketo seemed surprised as well. She cocked an eyebrow. Fuck. She was probably used to people like me. "How did you feel at the funeral?" she asked me. I shruged; "Angry." I hate this, I hate this, I hate this...

"Why?" Oh what the hell, she probably already knows all this. "Takeru's coffin looked like crap, Mimi was being a pain, and I ran off." "I see." she nodded. I swear if she says that again I will break her back. "How was, this Mimi, being a pain? And who is she?" Anger..the anger...the annoyance..."Mimi is a ...sort of.... friend of mine. She was trying to tell me that everything was going to be alright. I got angry, almost punched her, and ran off." I said. You're gonna ask me where I ran aren't you?

"Uh-huh...did you friends follow you?" she asked. "Naturally." Why are you making me say this? I hate this. I hate you. I hate you all. Why did I agree to this? Am I insane? "Where did you run to?" I //knew// it. Bitch. "The outskirts of town." Fuck you, Dr.Aketo. Fuck you all. Fuck everything that you stand for! Don't exist! Don't give a shit about me! Don't ever judge me!! I almost laughed. I had tweaked the words of a song and made it to fit this fucked up moment. Fun.

"Why did you run there?" the psychiatrist interrogated. "I didn't know where I was running. But there are rats there." Shit! Damnit, Yamato, that was smart. You had to mention the goddamn rats, didn't you!? Now she's gonna ask you why rats? And she's gonna find out you're completely and totally insane! Fuck you, Taichi, why did I have to listen to you?!? He's you best friend...the voice in my head laughed, you listened to him becuz he's you best friend...stupid.

"Rats? Why were you looking for rats?" she pretended to be confused. That's it. "To kill them." I snarled. My voice was challenging, nasty,...I feel I couldn't keep my calm for long. "To kill them." she repeated. "And you killed them because..." she looked at me intensely. "I pretended they were the murderer, I pretended they were my goddamn annoying as hell friends." I spat, "And now I'm gonna pretend they're you, too." I added, eyes flashing.

The woman didn't even flinch, oh yeah, she definately thought I was insane now. Fuck. I'm going to kill you. I will. Forget the rats, I'll kill you! "I see..." Fuck you! That;s it! You said; 'I see' again! I leapt out of the chair. This startled her. "Fuck you! Fuck this goddamn psychiatric visit! You think I'm insane don't you!??!" I screamed. Dr.Aketo stood up.

"Calm down Matt." she said evenly. "WHY THE HELL SHOULD I?! You fucking ask me all these questions you already know the answer to, WHY?! You're doing it on purpose aren't you?! Well FUCK YOU doctor! I spoke LIES! LIIIEEESS!!" I shrieked. I picked up a plant and threw it across the room. "Why can't you all just leave me alone!?" "Yamato, please you need to--" "NO! I ain't calmin' down! I'm going to kill you!" Then I leapt at her.

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© Kiriska